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dispatch eighteen
Split Montana Gold by Bart Schaneman
debuted 15 January 2010 | kept 963 times | click to keep
MP3·OGG·ZIP·7Z·WWW + BUY + LYRICS4
After the show, a keg back at the drummer’s place. He drives. I’m in the backseat, she’s shotgun. He’s talking about his despondency&emdash;I don’t know the story but it’s about a woman. “And it’s so fucked up because I hope she thinks I’m cheating on her. At least she has me in her head.”
She says, “But that’s acting weird about relationships. You don’t do that.” She says, “Can I do anything for you?”
I want a cigarette but I’m in someone else’s car.
“I don’t want to have these thoughts,” he says. “But I’m out and acting, y’know, high-energy and feeding everyone’s good time.”
“Yeah, it’s a terrible place,” I say. “When you feel one way but have to act another.”
And she’s sitting right there but she doesn’t say anything. She’s touching his neck. Then she says, “You guys made a lot of people happy tonight.” I tell myself not to care.
Then we’re at the house and it’s on the side of a green mountain&emdash;the deck overlooking the city. Tall trees in our view. The trees are still and the night is quiet except for a few old friends on the deck, talking about the words they use, their Montana slang, and laughing. He’s there too. I don’t care. He was at the wedding. He’s this sad little quiet dude who wears his sunglasses all the time, that sang out earlier “the only truth is love” in an ugly voice, a worse voice than Conor’s. He’s too sad for me to hate him.
At the wedding, when I saw them talking, just the two of them, I walked up and they stopped. This was the moment I had been working out in my head the entire time before leaving. I thought I’d kill him. Told people that if he was there I would destroy him. But right then&emdash;and I still don’t&emdash;I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to fight over her. I didn’t care. I was drunk enough. Could have done anything. Thrown him off the deck. But I went for communication and understanding. Plus I had been telling myself that I didn’t care. I told myself that a lot this trip. I don’t care. And what I don’t care about is often clear to me.